I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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