I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
