Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
