dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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