youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
