I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
