I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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