so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
