I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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