I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
