I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
