Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
