you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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