i would punch a child for taco bell
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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