John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
