Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
