I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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