found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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