apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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