So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
