if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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