this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
