2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
