you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
