Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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