'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Randomize