Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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