If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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