My liver just broke up with me...
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
