A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
