WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
