So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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