Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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