I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
