3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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