i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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