Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
