He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
