Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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