I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
