i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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