I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
