There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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