Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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