Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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