I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
