A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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