Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
