thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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