Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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