if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
where are my eyebrows?
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