Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
COCAINE IS GR8
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