my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
