Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
