grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
