Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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