some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I sprained my soul last night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
